I join these these dating apps 2/3 times a year “just to see.” Idk what I’m looking for, to be honest. It’s nice to browse through potentials and see what’s out there. Along with “loyalty”, “communication”, and “honesty”, the latest unoriginal expression (cause really, who wouldn’t value honesty, loyalty and communication?) is some opinion on “pineapples on pizza.”
Seeing these usually lead to an automatic “nope”. Not that I have anything special to offer; the way my mind and feelings are set up right now, it really wouldn’t be the best to interact with someone on a romantic level.
I’m spiralling into a dense insecurity. I went to a store a couple days ago and got so nervous at the idea of talking to a sales associate that I had to calm myself down (“it’s just a minimal conversation”) and simultaneously hype myself up for the interaction (“you can do this. just act like you know what you’re doing. how do you pronounce ‘beignet'”).
On Hinge, there are prompts that you answer to show your personality and interests. Some people really don’t put that much effort into it, but I’m currently set to “I’m interested in men” so I feel like that could be the fault of cis hetero men just offering their usual bare minimum. Anyway, the questions are like, “The one thing you should know about me _________” or “We’ll get along if ________”. But when their answers are, “You should not date me if you’re too sensitive” or “you take life too seriously” I have to nope it cause that’s me.
Who’s willing to love or be affectionate with the person who’s still healing or unhealthily projects her insecurities or whose social anxiety is getting worse? My immediate thoughts go like this: “Nobody should have to. I couldn’t bare to burden someone with that and being romantic with someone would probably be a distraction from working on myself.” But with more consideration, I know I deserve to be loved. I know, to some, I’m not a burden. And I know, it is very much possible that someone would take me as I am; whole yet forming and reforming and going through the exhaustive motions of those constructions.
Yet, it’s one thing to know and another to feel and be completely convinced. I still prefer to spend more time thinking about and working on myself than being in a relationship. I want to be able to put myself together again, and I’ve fully accepted that I don’t have to do that alone; i.e., therapy. Thus, removing the burden (but adding the financial worry and researching).
But also, I want to uncover so much. Like, when did this happen? When did I get so afraid to interact with people? When did I start to overthink everything to the point where I feel unworthy? Where did my confidence go? Though I remain authentic URL, when did I feel more comfortable behind the screen vs IRL?