Me: Bitching About Elevator Etiquette

This is a list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviours surrounding the use of an elevator. Some of these rules may not apply to you if you have a disability/mobility issues. If you’ve ever had to use an elevator, consult this list. I made this jokingly but I still mean it.

  1. If you live on the second floor and are fully able, take the damn stairs. It absolutely baffles me when a person waits with a group in the lobby, where you all silently bond over your eagerness to reach home, and then have the audacity to betray that bond by revealing they don’t have to wait for the elevator after all. What was the point of slowing down our trip home if you could’ve taken the damn stairs?
  1. If your dog pees in the elevator, clean it up and throw some Pine-Sol on that shit because mopping it isn’t enough. The stench lasts for days.
  1. The last person that comes into the elevator ought to press the “close door” button. How are you gonna walk into the elevator, then stand there and wait for the doors to close? It’s like coming into my room and then leaving without closing the door; Bitch, I didn’t even want you here. Show some respect.
  1. When you hear the doors opening, move quickly to it. People might be inside and if I don’t hear footsteps I’m gonna press that “close door” button immediately. (I like to hear people’s footsteps speed up as the door is closing, It’s a bit of a power trip but at least they learn. To clarify, this is the only true power I have.)
  1. But also, don’t crowd the entrance when people are coming off. Occupants need to get off first. I feel like that’s common sense but I’ve seen so many embarrassing situations where people bump into each other, so clearly it’s not.
  1. This applies to all environments but must be stressed when considering small, contained environments: when you sneeze or cough, direct the germs into your elbow like you’re dabbing, please and thanks.
  1. Hold all farts until you’ve exited the elevator. Do not fart before you enter otherwise you’ll drag the scent in with you and do not fart as you’re exiting (even if all parties have already left the elevator) because you’ve trapped the new occupants in your stank.
  1. Refrain from flirting with people in the elevator if they’re giving you one-word answers. Just because they’re trapped with you inside that tin can doesn’t mean they should be subjected to your unwanted advances/glares.
  1. Don’t be ashamed of using the mirror in your elevator. You’re cute and it’s a great way to make sure everything’s in place just before those elevator doors swing open.
  1. Please tell your kids not to swing on the railing in the elevator because they’ll most likely break it. Some people use it to hold onto when they’re drunk, disoriented or afraid the elevator is going to drop. Its absence is very inconvenient.
  1. Finally, don’t make out when there’s someone else in the elevator. No one likes to hear other people’s lip smacking, especially within such close proximity. It’s sexy when you’re alone; it’s awkward for other parties when you’re not. We know you’re about to fuck, you little teeny bops, so please wait until we’ve all parted ways or I’ll bring it up in front of your mom the next time I see her.

 

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